Life Isn't a Narrative

Life has taken a new meaning for me recently. Days used to pass by and I'd be fine with that; however, I lost someone I loved, and I lost that person too soon. Now I'm reminded every morning by this ache in my chest, this pounding in my head as a result of an accumulation of "passing by". 

Time used to be so daunting to me. Even two months ago, I'd tell myself, I have so much time. I can do that tomorrow. Yesterday I woke up and my first thought was 'why do that tomorrow when I can do it today?' I'm sure that seems simple, but there really are enough hours in the day. I used to think that multiple tasks meant a stressful week or an unproductive environment for myself, but I have gotten off my phone, (tried to) steer clear of too much time on social media and I've found a different presence in my life. The more present I am, the more I get. 

I'm thankful I competed in Miss Massachusetts America last month. When I lost my sister, I thought to myself: 'you can't do this'. I kept saying that in my head over and over again. I kept thinking of how I would have to share my story continuously without time to properly grieve. I kept doubting my ability to find the joy in the pain of this situation. What I do know, is that I have an addictive personality. It must run in my family. I'm addicted to service. Service as in working with the platform and the #statewithoutstigMA campaign. I'm addicted to normalizing drug abuse and alcohol abuse in conversation. I'm addicted to spreading the joy of recovery and preventing children and young adults from ever walking down that path. I thank whatever higher power there is that I could share my story. Coming 1st Runner Up was an honor. I doubted myself a lot during Miss Massachusetts week and thought I would maybe make the top 5. What I will say is that I have never worked harder for something. I had a lot of emotional drive, so that was my advantage. This is an experience that was so positive in such a dark time of my life and I won't forget it.

The next stage of my life is a little blurry. I've decided I am not returning to The Boston Conservatory for personal reasons. I think my life is taking me down a different road. I will still be singing and performing, but I feel it is my obligation now to volunteer and speak publicly about addiction and children's character education. I am still pursuing my education and will be returning to a university in the spring. I always wanted to take a gap year to explore and audition and these next 6 months will be the chance I get to do that. 

Life can't be explained. I could not tell you where I see myself in even a couple of months, but what I can say is I will be even closer to pursuing my career. I will be even closer to shifting my reality to resemble my dreams.